you have no idea how much i really hate January and how much i really hate diabetes. I'm just so tired of it, I'm tired of having to accommodate for this thing in my life , I'm tired of having to do blood tests, I'm tired of hypos at midnight the night before exams, I'm tired of all the appointments , I'm tired of never getting it right no matter how hard I try. I'm just tired of diabetes.
|having a bit of a breakdown on sandeep during my hypo....|
i was gutted with the a1c of 8.5 , i knew it was coming. i know it wasn't something i did because i know i did everything to get those stubborn highs down. set changes, insulin changes, correction doses temp basals. you name it i did it and they just would not come down. when i went to my gp that day i could see by the look on his face he was going to lecture me, what is it with doctors and their way to make you feel small? i hate it. i hate being lectured by someone who has no clue how hard it is to deal with type 1 diabetes. i hate i'm made to feel that way because he wants QOF points not because he actually cares in any way about helping me to control my diabetes. i hate feeling like i need to explain myself to him when he doesn't understand how type 1 is managed.
then the hypos have started again since being in exams. in the middle of my mock i had to test every 10 minutes cause despite having hypo treatments every time i tested i still ended up going hypo. luckily this was a mock and thank god my college teachers are really understanding about my diabetes and he allowed me to take my mock home and finish it off there. then on thursday night when i had my first exam the next day , i was up at midnight with 3.2 that didn't come up for 45 minutes.
most of all i feel guilty for feeling like this. i feel guilty because i know how much worse it could be. it could be something that isn't manageable although my diabetes certainly doesn't feel manageable right now. it could be so much worse than it is and i am grateful that its 'just' diabetes but at the same time i really really wish it would go away. i feel guilty for feeling like i am when i know so many diabetics who just get on with it and manage it perfectly well.
i just can't wait to get January over and with trips to Oxford and London seeing some members of the d.o.c i'm hopeful my mood will improve and i'll be back smiling and not having these crazy bg